BEARDY McBEARDERSON

PART MAN, PART PIT BULL

So, Tom Mulcair is in charge of stuff now over at the NDP desk. I suffer from a fatal character flaw: I’m a pragmatist. To that end, I’m not sure it matters if Mulcair’s plan on bringing the centre to the party is indeed the opposite. I just want a clear alternative so that Canadians stop voting in the Conservatives out of poverty of choice. Harper is not just ineffective, he is actually anti-progress. His government undoes good things and good laws that already exist. The legislation it enacts (or at least attempts to enact) does not reflect reality. In their minds, the Conservatives are already governing the perfect society they apparently hope to create. Their social platform is a series of hard lines drawn in the sand; their legislation is not based on any real survey of what the population needs, but rather on fulfilling the central party dogma.

Will the omnibus crime bill lower the crime rate, lower the recidivism rate, help rehabilitate non-violent offenders before their prison education ruins them for life? It’s highly unlikely. But that’s okay, because these are the Conservatives, and Conservatives are Tough on Crime.

Or the debacle a few years back, when Tony Clement threatened to rescind InSite’s government exemption? Never mind how many overdoses InSite has prevented, how many users were saved from HIV and hep C infection, how many users accepted passage into heroin detox facilities…Tony Clement is a Conservative, and Conservatives are Tough on Drugs!

This is no way to govern; these fools have to go.

Is Mulcair too Liberal? Almost certainly. After spending more than a decade as a Liberal MNA, I have no illusions that he’s magically left-ified all of his deepset political ideas.

On the count of divisiveness, I’m inclined to count the suit for defamation as a strong strike against him; obviously he doesn’t know how to play nicely with the other children (although I really just want to know what he said). On top of that, I also think he’s spent too much time dealing with the peculiarities of Quebecois politics and risks alienating the West by having the gall to reside in Central Canada. (I have no hope for Alberta, but the CCF-CLC merger was born in Saskatchewan, so the lack of NDP seats there is rather embarrassing).

Finally, does he need a shave? Quite desperately.

But, most importantly, does he represent a viable alternative to the Conservative juggernaut? If that answer is yes, how could we disagree? With the real Liberals in disgrace, maybe the best chance this country has of unseating the fuck-ups we let in this time is to present a centre-leaning, aggressive, outspoken leader who has enough street cred with Quebec to prevent the separatists from blowing things sky-high and derailing an otherwise productive term.

Anyway, forget all of this, I don’t have much faith left in the executive branch. As far as I’m concerned, elections are a kind of placebo that exists solely to give people the illusion of choice. The real work of keeping the nation on the rails falls to the judicial arm, so consider me an amicus curiae, at least until I end up with my own defamation suit.

YOUTH CULTURE FOR THE LOSE

I REACT TO THE TOP 15
I occasionally like to check out the MM(M) Top 10/15/20 to keep just enough on top of current music that my students can make fun of me for being so "mainstream". So, I braved the first top 15 of 2012:

1. Domino (Jessie J): Remember that time when Jessie J put out Do it Like a Dude and pretty much told the world that they could listen to her stuff or kiss her gargantuan balls? Yeah, I miss that time. What's with the downturn into bland synthpop, man?

2. Sprawl II (The Arcade Fire): Shit, I hate the Arcade Fire

3. Michigan Left (The Arkells): Didn't I JUST listen to this song?

4. Love on Top (Beyonce): As much as I love a woman in a ringmaster's jacket, there is no reason funk guitar should be anywhere near this video. Or music in general.

5. Party (Beyonce): Apparently this 90s-diva thing is the intended feel for the record. Hey, at least it seems more wholesome than some of the other stuff on this list. Oh wait, what's that? "So tonight/I'll do it every way/knockin' till the morning light"? Never mind.

6. It Will Rain (Bruno Mars): Is this the guy that did that stupid "Lazy Song"? I'm putting a hit out on this kid's head.

7. Hit Me Up (Danny Fernandes): All right, this is what I'm talking about! Get rid of whoever's singing, dial up the bass, and this is sheer dancehall.

8. Don't Stop (Foster the People): I don't know. Like Franz Ferdinand, only fuzzier. Is "shitty speakers" a mix effect now?

9. One Life (Hedley): "We been up when we should have been sleeping". Exactly. Rock out responsibly, kids. Even Hedley says you should.

10. The One that Got Away (Katy Perry): So maudlin. Obviously ghost-written by me.

11. Stronger (Kelly Clarkson): Don't break up with Kelly Clarkson 'cause she will write a kick-ass song about how she doesn't need you and then who's going to be sorry?

12. Marry the Night (Lady Gaga): I don't know, guys. I'm just not crazy about this Gaga single. I'm not feeling it.

13. It (Rich Aucoin): Son, you need a shave, and your music video consists entirely of you badly reenacting scenes from famous movies.
I like you.
Seriously, though. Like, do you need a razor or something? If you're not good with blades, I can get you an electric one.

14. Our Day Will Come (Amy Winehouse): Like I'd talk shit about Winehouse even if I didn't love this track, which I do. But, Amy-girl, if we can learn anything from Back to Black and your untimely death, it's that it's much safer to love blow than puff.

15. Stand Behind the Music (Anjulie): This girl had better be twenty-one or younger. Otherwise this bad-girl screw-the-industry rant veers from charmingly brash into wake-the-hell-up territory.

Conclusion: BAD NEWS, KIDS. Most of your shit sounds exactly the same. Someone bring me a Tommy James and the Shondells LP.

FELLOW HUMANS:

People, I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT FIRE GUNS INTO THE AIR.

Yes, the bullet will go up. Yes, at some point, its velocity will reach zero. But after that, it will fall back to Earth, and the effect of acceleration due to gravity will make sure it is travelling very, very fast on its return trip. Just like that penny thrown off the CN tower, a bullet falling from a thousand feet is going to hurt.

AWW, CRAP. ELECTION TIME AGAIN?

BRACE YOURSELVES - THE MAELSTROM IS COMING
How have I managed nine entire months without once needing to cuss out a public figure? Heaven only knows. Fortunately, we've got a provincial election coming up, which means plenty more stupid is about to hit the fan around here.

Let's start with the provincial Lie-beral promise, if elected, to extend teachers' college to two years.

Now, I AM a preservice teaching student, and can tell you that the vast majority of us are already in a minimum of five years' worth of debt. It must be nice for the province to be able to double the program length without spending any more money, but that scenario won't be the same for us.
I would also dearly love to know exactly how many professors who actually teach at teachers' colleges were consulted before this piece of brilliance was developed - I am guessing the number is zero. But hey, we can just pull another year's worth of content out of thin air, right?
Thirdly, let's address the math issues the Liberals are suffering here: they claim that they are going to reduce the number of graduates, as approximately 9000 new teachers are "flooding" the province each year. Well, yes. Throwing down another year of teachers' college will drop the number of graduates this year to zero - but only for this year. After that, we're back to 9000 grads a year who are even deeper in debt and even more desperate for teaching jobs.
This is such a bass-ackwards way of addressing the oversaturation of the teaching profession. Want fewer grads? Admit fewer teaching candidates. Don't try to temporarily stem the flow of output by hurling a one-time monkey wrench at the pipeline.

"BABY DOC" ONLY SOUNDS CUTE

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY UP TO?!
Jean-Claude Duvalier, aka Baby Doc, the younger half of the two-generation terror squad ruling Haiti from 1957 to 1986, showed up in Haiti this week.
Haiti needs a lot of things - medical supplies and doctors, fresh water sources, food, transportation, repairs to flooded roads and damaged infrastructure, effective cholera treatments. One thing they don't need is this clown pulling into town after 25 years of exile in France and announcing he wants to help.
I don't blame the Haitians in the slightest for welcoming Duvalier - apparently, fully half of the country is under the age of 33, meaning they have little to no memory of how insanely evil, corrupt and brutal the ham-fisted Duvalier regime really was. But let's have a brief recap: at the end of their reign of terror, the one-two knockout punch of Duvaliers Sr and Jr could add millions of dollars in embezzlement, the executions of thousands of political opponents, and the introduction of the tonton macoutes (a distinctly evil secret police force) to their resumes. And let's not forget their continued dealings in narcotics and body parts (!), or the repeated violations of the Constitution, or the vote-rigging, or that time when Daddy Doc rewrote the Lord's prayer to include himself.
Haiti, you just can't catch a break, can you?


YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG
Toronto police have taken a man accused of shooting at and firebombing a house into custody. The enterprising young fellow, Atanas Markov, decided to return with a gun after a deal (and Markov's subsequent attempt at extortion) went south at his business partner's house. He fired at the house (?!) and then at a car parked in the driveway. Still not content, this champion returned three days later with a couple of friends, who helped him throw Molotov cocktails at the house. The damage they did, however, was mostly broken glass; fortunately, the business partner and his wife and two kids were unharmed.
What have we learned here? Not only is Markov insane enough to firebomb a house, the utter lack of, you know, fire damage suggests he's not even GOOD at making Molotov cocktails. Come on, son. You're just disgracing the real arsonists around here.

What is this I don't even.

Where do I even start?
Okay. The Soviets occupied Finland for a couple of years around the start of WWII, which sucked big-time for the Finns. Pretty much exhausted and really annoyed with the Russians by this time, Finland allowed the Nazis to occupy part of their country, until they realized that Nazis were actually really bad dudes, and put their cooperation pact through the cross-cut shredder a couple times.

MEANWHILE, a pharmaceutical company owner (Tor Borg) apparently had a dog who had a habit of raising its paw in the air, in what looked like to a few sun-starved Finns to be the Sig Heil salute. His wife nicknamed the dog Hitler; hilarity ensued. The Chancellory caught wind of this dog via some of their handy spies, and weren't too happy. They dispatched some more diplomats to find the dog and figure out just what was going on. All of this was very seriously reported via a series of cables - including a plot to destroy Borg's pharmaceutical company by having his wholesaler cut him off. (Does this sound weirdly like the CIA vs. Castro to anyone else, by the way?)

In the end, nothing much happened, apparently because none of the witnesses were willing to stand in open court and give their findings on a dog's party tricks.

Having read all of this, I have but one question...in the photograph, is that dog wearing sunglasses?

THIS DISPLEASES ME.

Julian Assange is a terrorist.

No, he doesn't even deserve the name "terrorist". He's a sulky little boy, a thug, a back-alley blackmailer.
"Listen up, world. Do what I want, or there's going to be a lot of trouble!"

He distributed the entire, uncensored, WikiLeaks file to tens of thousands of people, with only an encryption key preventing those people from actually accessing the material. However, he says, should he be brought to trial for any of his assorted crimes, he'll reveal the encryption key, millions of pages of classified documents will be freely available, and diplomatic relations between every country in the world are all going to hell.

Assange claims he's using the WikiLeaks key as an "insurance policy". He also said, likely in the same breath, that he'll release this "thermonuclear device" if his demands aren't met.

Now, I'm all for government clarity and transparency, but these documents aren't just financial records and self-congratulatory Post-it notes transferred between Cabinet ministers over their latest tax-dollar rip-off - among hundreds of thousands of pages of sensitive material, there are classified military documents in that package, including information about current service members currently serving in missions across the globe. How can anyone justify releasing that kind of information all over the Internet? What kind of a monster decides that his escape from justice means that men and women who volunteered their lives to fight or keep peace overseas now get to have their troop positions and battle plans dished out to any private citizen with a CPU and a modem?!

And, here's the kicker - Assange isn't just trying to escape a rap for sedition or treason or whatever else you get charged with when you are a MAJOR ASSHOLE - he's trying to get out of rape charges - yes, he's using his status as founder and protector of WikiLeaks to avoid going to jail for sexually assaulting women, which is not only utterly heinous but also a crime totally unrelated to him publishing tons of really important government shit.

When someone hauls this idiot out of the Swedish woods, feel free to bring him on over to my place and I'll drop him with an M15 carbine - thanks to WikiLeaks, I'll know where to pick one up from my friendly local armed forces personnel!